I'll just keep tossing and turning...

I hate sleeping when he is gone.

Feeling thousands of miles apart.

Heart stretched to the max, aching to be closer to the one I love.

Lonely, and waiting....

Waiting for the comfort of his touch.
The half smiles from across the room. Just for me.
His laughter.
Holding hands and never letting go.
Bracing for the impact of reality - together.
And everything in between.

I finally was beginning to understand how different he is from every relationship previous.

With Eric I was a child.
Following orders.
Partying.
Never really making realistic plans for our future.
Every extravagant luxury... but no solid foundation.

With Dave it was simply friendship convenience.
We were friends, and thought love would follow.
It did, but not enough to sustain a long relationship.

The other previous relationships were short, and pointless.
I don't regret them... I just found them to be juvenile.

But with Matthew...
I'm a grown up.
I don't find the need to party everyday.
I'd rather find happiness in his arms.
Simple luxuries.
I found faith.
And I found a love that one can only dream of.


I have learned more about Matthew in 4 months than I learned in years with Eric.
I have also learned more from Matthew.
Love, when shared with the right person, has the ability to make you the best person you could ever be.
And Matthew is that person for me.

It can only get better from here.
So, I can deal with the insomnia temporarily.

♥

First love, last love... and all the worlds are colliding...

I wasn't jealous all of my life.
I wasn't bitter.
I wasn't carrying the burden of a heart full of sadness.
I used to believe in the idea of true love, soul mates, and passion.

I became those things after love scorned me.
And I know I have taken some of my heartache out on you.

I have learned a lot.
You are not him. Never were, never will be.
You taught me that trusting someone is not merely saying it. It is believing.
And I will spend the rest of my life believing.
Believing in you, and in myself.


I knew the first day I wanted to be with you forever.
Despite all my nonchalant behavior and sentences filled with hesitation.
I can't explain the entirety of what I feel for you.
It would take a lifetime just to put into words.


Just know that there is no one that understands me better than you.
No one comforts my heart as well as you.
No one steals my breath away the way you do.
No one restores my faith in love with as much confidence as you.
And I wouldn't trade you for anything.

I'm ready to take those steps with you.
I would be honored to take your last name.
And make the word family what it should be.
I want to prove how much love does conquer all.
I want to do it all... with you right beside me.

Just understand. There may be moments when we don't agree.
Just listen. Even in moments when you might not want to.
Just love. In times of great happiness and also in times of sadness.

♥

The words are there... just a little muffled...

Let's face it. I'm scared.

I don't want to be hurt. My heart just can't take it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night - hoping and praying that my past hasn't broken me.
I'm desperate to be heard, to be noticed.


Make me believe you are different than the rest.
Change my opinion of love.
Force me to see the good in letting go.
Help me understand how happy I can be.

Let me know it's okay to tell you everything.
And forgive me for my hesitation.
I really do want you to know. Just give me time.

I might not be the most obvious person when it comes to speaking my emotions.
I do like you though. A lot.
I'm excited at the possibilities.
I'm hopeful.

And I just got some inspiration.
So... off to my guitar.

♥

Spare me a moment...

I'm essentially trapped. Caught in a world where love conquers all.

It is truly a love/hate relationship with the idea and practice of love.

I can't live without it, and for that reason, I despise it.

My grandparents keep telling me I'm simply lovesick.
Grandpa tells me he has, and always will be, lovesick for my grandma.
Grandma tells me it will subside the moment I find who I am longing for.

...so to put it simply, I'm essentially screwed.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Either I find who I am lovesick for, and they "cure" it...
Or I find them, and feel lovesick for them forever.

And my attraction for army guys really needs to stop.
That's just a lifetime of worry, sadness and loneliness.

Dave is at ranger school. And I'm what feels like a million miles away.
The night before he left we had a really long phone conversation that lasted hours.
It didn't consist of much content, just a lot of laughs.
And then the moment came.
The moment when I realized I didn't want him to go.
I didn't want him to leave for three months and not be able to talk to me.
I was completely shocked that I started to cry.
This was not planned, not part of how I was supposed to react.
I did not expect to feel that sense of longing.

He asked me what was wrong.
And something compelled me to tell him everything.
Every heartache, every time I dealt with missing him.
I even let him read my blog.
Which I wouldn't have normally done.
But there was simply no other way for him to understand how I feel about him.

I didn't want the conversation to end.
He told me he would call the next day before he reported.

When he called, I couldn't help but feel paralyzed.
I couldn't beg him to not go.
I could barely speak.

The phone conversation ended, and I collapsed.
I realized it felt the same way as the day my dad left.
Complete abandonment.

But there was one difference.
Dave promised me he will return. With us in mind.

That's all I can ask.

♥

Is it really worth it?

My grandpa told me today that my eyes tell such a sad story.

I never really thought about how the emotion is so easily displayed on my face.
I always tried to hide the pain, hoping no one would ask me about it.

Today, someone asked.
And surprisingly, I was ok with it.

We talked for a couple hours about life, and love.
He knows about heartache.
He had to leave my grandma for the army many times.
But he always came back.

He told me about the hard times, the moments when he didn't think he would see her again.
And his heart wouldn't let him give up. Because she is the love of his life.

He didn't want to disappoint her.
66 years later they are still together.

That is the type of guy I want to fall in love with.
Someone who wants to spend countless years with me. And will never give up on our love.


But until then...

I'll just focus on fun.

Sun, sand, and a smile.
And a great adventure.


♥

Your scent still lingers...

I cleaned today. And for once I was feeling as if everything in life was falling into place. I organized my desk, and made my bed the way it should be... but rarely is. As I set all the pillows on my bed, I smelled something. Something oddly familiar. They say that scents are powerful, and can capture entire memories. God were they right. As I stood there, I couldn't help but cry.

I closed my eyes, and tried to forget. But I couldn't.
I remember so many times we spent just laying in bed, talking.
The times when you were gone, and I slept with the pillow.
Just to feel close to you.

As much as I would love to say that I don't care, I do.
I worry about you.
Wonder what you are doing.
Wonder if you lay in bed thinking the same things I do.
Wonder if you hurt like I do.
Wonder if you break down, if you can't help but cry.
Wonder if my scent is still on your pillow.

It is slowly killing me.
My heart is aching. I can't stop it.
My head is throbbing. I can't stop thinking about it.
I can't breathe. I'm starting to panic.
And everything is swirling around me. It won't slow down.
The tears well up in my eyes, and I can't brush them away.
This is too much. One person can't handle it all.
Just make it stop.
Please find a way to stop hurting me.

This is the end...of the beginning...of the end...

So I'm entering finals week. And I'm nervous.

Nervous that this is the end of the easy part. Next year will be crucial and difficult... and the most influential year in terms of my career life.

...Will I pass the GRE?
...Will I get into grad school?

And yet that is not even what currently worries me. As of right now I am lost as a person.

It makes me feel like I did when I was little, caught in the war between my mother and father.
Misplaced within the pages of that story, left to my own devices for years.
I was seven, and naive. Now I'm nineteen, and resentful.

I lost so many years of my life trying to justify my family's actions. Claiming they had best of intentions, and the greatest of hopes. I lied. A lot. To myself and the rest of the world.

We all portrayed the perfect American family. We were envied.
If only they knew.

I lived in a dark world. Strewn with anger and pain.
My father was not perfect, not even close.
He was rarely home at a decent hour.
When he did come home, he was a monster.

He beat my mother every day.
Bruises on top of bruises, covered with makeup.
Tears welled up in her eyes, but she couldn't speak her pain.
She knows that is not her place, not in this family.
Silence is her initial comfort, and eventually her greatest enemy.
She can not hide this secret for long.
We all know.

He is not the great person they claimed he is.
And for so long I thought he was.

And then the worst day came.

Mark, Josh,and myself, were playing in my room. Krista was at college.
Mom had been working on dinner for 2 hours. An extravagant meal, to say the least.
Dad came home. Something was wrong.

The three of us sat by the stairs, gripping on the railings as we listened intently.

Dad says he's not hungry, he has a lot of work to do.
Mom tries to ask why, and asks him if it is because of her.
...Josh and I did not know who her was...
Dad drops his briefcase, and says he has heard enough for the evening.
Mom starts to cry. She falls to the ground.
Mark goes downstairs to comfort her.
He then proceeds to say "We don't need you anyway, go hide in your office. Oh yeah, and maybe try hiding your cheating better."

Dad was walking toward his office when Mark said this. He stopped, and then flew into a rage.
I had never actually seen my father get that angry before. The look on his face was piercing.

He screamed at Mark to go away, and then pushed him toward the stairs.
He continued to scream at my mom. And then he slapped her.
He said she was not good enough anymore. He had found someone better.
He then said he was leaving. For good.

I ran down the stairs as fast as I could and grabbed my dad's arm.
I begged him, "Don't leave daddy, I love you!"
I looked in his eyes, and realized he would never love me like I loved him. Unconditionally.
He pushed me away and started walking toward the door.
And as he got into his car and drove away, I stood by the door.
I stood there for hours. Hoping he would come back.
And he never did.

He simply created a new family. New wife, new children.
And my mother left her broken heart on the kitchen floor.
She never did pick it up and try to fix it.
I'm sure it is still there, bleeding from the years of pain.
And he doesn't care.

And I now understand how cruel people can be. Thanks dad, you taught me something.

I just need to find myself. And stop trying to be perfect. That's so overrated.

Du bist mein Schatz...

I love how unbelievably adorable my grandparents are. They are simply the cutest old couple I know, and make me believe that true love is possible.

All their cute little terms of endearment for each other, all the subtle pda moments they share... My grandpa, or as I call him, Opa, is such a gentleman. And my grandma, Oma, is the epitome of sweet old lady. Not to mention she is the greatest liberal I have ever come across. The most open-minded, caring individual - all wrapped up in a cashmir sweater and pearls. Still classy even in the later years of their lives.

They help me realize how great love can truly be.

"You are my treasure..." is what my Opa tells my Oma every day when they wake up.
Without fail. And then she replies with something witty and nice like
"Du hast mein Herz gestohlen, und wenn es schlägt, schlägt es für du..."
...meaning "You have stolen my heart, and when it beats, it beats for you..."

And you know what? That is exactly what I want in a relationship. Someone who will stick by me until I'm really old, and love me the same way he did when he first started loving me.

In other news.. I really wanna be done with school. It is simply getting old to me. I just want to start my career already. Be successful, and make great strides in the field of psychology. The stress of it all is starting to affect me. And that sucks.

I want to buy my own house. And I want to spend a ridiculous amount of time decorating it.

My life is not moving at a fast enough pace for me. It is irritating me.


Hopefully soon I will find what I am looking for.

♥

He said, she said...

I wish I could say we could talk to each other without screaming. The emotions are just too strong for that.

He'll always have the ability to make me feel an inch tall. He knows all the words that just cut through my skin, and tear my heart out. I believe he subscribes to the idea of misery loving company. He'd rather I be just as miserable as he is inside... merely so he doesn't feel so alone.

God give me the strength to forgive him for this.


...and that was the low of the day.

The great part was finding out that the boy likes me. Girl likes boy, and now boy likes girl too.

hmm... I didn't think that would happen.

And now my mind is a blank. Wow.

More to come later. ♥

The slippers always seem to fit...

Newsflash: Dancing is now my number one priority.

Okay... it's not so much a newsflash, but just a by-the-way type thing.


Dancing is the one thing that will never change for me. The poses and movements are always at my fingertips. Arabesque, Demi-plié, Fouetté rond de jambe.

It is all so familiar. And comforting. I am simply me when I am dancing. Stripped of all my insecurities and judgments.

And it is the most gratifying feeling I could possibly have.
I leave everything on the dance floor. Anger, pain, passion. I throw it all out there. And I never regret doing so. I know I can't be judged for giving all of myself to the moment.

I remember the first time dance really took over my life.
I was seven. I was performing in a ballet recital, and was about to perform a solo. Right before I was to go on, I saw my parents fighting in the hallway. My dad was screaming at my mom; she was crying. And it broke me.

So I went on. And left my heart on the stage.

I promised myself I would always dance with emotion, and let the pain go.
And it helped tremendously.

So now I am presented with these emotions. And I'm frantically running back to dance.

My sanctuary. My salvation.

I'm wishing these blue eyes would change your mind...

To the boy who has successfully stolen my heart over the past 4 years:

I wish you would have spoken the thoughts you kept locked in your mind. Maybe then things would have been different. I know that it was hard, but look how complicated it is now.

You always used to tell me you couldn't say no to my beautiful blue eyes. It was your kryptonite... and you couldn't resist the opportunity to then give me all that I ever wanted.

Too bad that you made up for all the spoiling with one big mistake.
A mistake that will leave me jaded for the rest of my life.
I guess I am glad you were dumb enough to get caught. At least I figured you out.

I'll never let anyone hurt me like that ever again.

You were my first love. A love that was pure. Never resentful, or contentious.
Believe me when I say that you broke my heart forever. You made me despise love.

After our relationship ended I didn't want anything to do with love. Love caused problems where relationships were starting, and changed feelings into arguments. I wanted to leave love for someone else to deal with.

And now I realize that love will forever remain a part of me. Whether or not I like it has no effect on its presence. And I must admit that despite the pain that accompanies it, love will always be welcome. How weird.

I spent so much time wondering why you didn't love me enough not to hurt me. Now I understand why it needed to happen... not so much for me, but for you.

You became too comfortable in our relationship. Nothing you did would warrant a consequence. And this led you to do things other boys would not have done. Especially when they had what you had. You thought I would always be there, no matter what happened. Well, this is where you were wrong.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too, please remember this.

And now...

To the boy that I wish I could have:

I really wanted you to like me. Not just like a cool friend like, but more as a hot, friendly, amazing girl next door attraction. Something that would hopefully lead to some great relationship that would stand the test of time. Yeah... I know that last part is a stretch. A girl can dream, can't she?

You are simply adorable.

And I have this little crush on you. Except more emphasis on crush than on little.

I wish these blue eyes could change the situation. I wish they were your kryptonite.
Maybe then I wouldn't have to love and hate our relationship like I do.

I'm really great with the words... and I know you understand how I feel.
Don't worry, I'll never act on these emotions.
I simply cannot bring myself to attempt saying anything about it.

Maybe you are just my kryptonite. And you render me speechless.

♥

5 loads of laundry later...

It's official. I have a lot of clothes. And probably half of them I don't wear. But I love them nonetheless, and would never part with them.

I'm so excited for spring break. A week away from the stress, and time to just have fun.

I'm one step from the door...

I hate roommates who don't care. They don't care about people, or their feelings. And they definitely don't care whether or not the friendship they had with the other person is diminishing right before their eyes.

She doesn't care. And I'm sick of trying to get her to care.

So I've decided I need to figure out a new plan. A new living arrangement, a new 5-year plan.

I want to surround myself with people who are friends. Not just roommates, acquaintances, or ships passing in the night.

I want to return to the days of bffs, and friends that were like sisters. Moments held in photo books that we carry with us always. Late nights just talking about our lives, and experiences - good and bad. Text messages that translate to a smile, even when we are miles apart from each other.

I've found that recently the number of girls I used to associate those things with is dwindling. And now my roommate has become one of the lost. Which I never expected.

I used to tell her everything. And she did the same.
We would laugh about stupid things, and lay in our beds at night talking across rooms to each other. We took crazy pictures, and framed them for our walls. We fought and laughed at the same time. But now we just fight. And she likes to subscribe to the silent treatment.
How lovely.

For some reason, I feel like I should have expected this. Why, I don't know. It really started to happen when Eric and I ended our relationship. Maybe my isolation caused her to change. Well, whatever it was, I don't like the change. I want one of my best friends back. I need her.

The thing that scares me most is her being aware of it and doing nothing to change it. That would really be the worst case scenario. Because in that case... I can do nothing to fix it.

♥ I hope this is not what is happening.

Another page turn in my book...

I love the Alicia Keys and John Mayer song "Lesson learned", simply for my ability to relate on so many levels to it.

The lyrics:
"His tears, your eyes
30 seconds to apologize
You give him one more chance, just like the time before
but he already knows you'd give a hundred more"

...they hit me like a ton of bricks.

It reminds me of so many times I ignored my better judgment and gave another chance. Just because my heart couldn't take the pain of continual loss.

I took down the pictures today.
The memories I have created over the last 4 years.

The inside jokes, the butterflies of falling in love, and the heartache of losing it all. It was written across the pictures that lined my wall. And every night I would lay my head down on the pillow, praying my happiness wasn't locked in those photos.

I lost part of myself when I lost him. I forgot how to care about myself.

And for every tear I shed, he shed none.

He made me hate him. Took everything from me, and left me helpless. It didn't matter how much I cared for him, because he didn't care enough to not hurt me. And clearly that should have been the hint to leave.

All I wanted was merely just a corner of his heart. Just a small bit that I could call mine.

And as much as I would love to tear up the pictures, I can't.
Maybe just because I still believe my happiness is in there. And I'm terrified that if I destroy the pictures, I will destroy my happiness. I know it is a crazy thought, but that's me.

I'll simply lay them in a photo box, and slip them into a drawer.
They are like forget-me-nots... for I will never forget about them.
Or him.

I'm so not a fan of Art history classes...

So, we all know midterms suck. But when they are in subjects like art history, they suck majorly.

I'm so overwhelmed. In just that class.

My head cannot fit any more information into it. Well, any more "art related" information.

And Dave is being a douchebag this week.
Perhaps because he is homesick.
Perhaps because he needs some comfort food.
Whatever the reason is, he is driving me up a wall.

I don't understand why I must clean up the mess he has made in the last few days.
But at the same time, someone has to do it.

I'll write more about it later. When I'm not cramming tons of information into my head that is useless and will never be applied in my professional life.

I've given up letting love lead the way...

I need to use my head. 'Cause my heart is running me all over the place.

I've forgotten what I really need to do, and have focused on how my feelings, along with everyone else's feelings, have to do with every situation. So here it is. I love you all, but I need to do this for me.

1. I'm sick of the bull. Stop making me the emotional fool I've become. Understand that I want to care, but I will not be manipulated into feeling sad. I will not feel guilty for trying to help you. I've done everything I can, and you just need to see the good intentions I have.

2. Get over trivial stuff. Forgive minuscule actions and details of fights. Be grown up, perhaps for the first time in your life. I want to make the best of my experiences, and for that to happen you need to work with me, rather than against me.

3. Draw out the lines that make up our relationships. Are we going to stand the test of time? If so, open up to me. Let's have that close bond that we both desperately need. I'm here, wanting to honestly say I can tell you everything, and that you will tell me everything.

4. Make it known how you feel. Do not hide behind fake smiles and small talk. I can handle what you have to say, so speak up. It will only make us stronger friends.

5. Live life, and breathe easy knowing you can just be yourself. Well, at least with me.


I know the recent events have drained me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not myself. Well, that will all change. I'm going to find who I am again. I need to. And I need your help. I need support to get out of this rut I'm in.

Oh, the fates must hate me...

So this weekend was, to put it simply... a complete enigma. I got home on Friday morning, and hung out for a bit. That night I made plans to hang out with Kate. She wanted to go to the mall to buy some stuff, so we headed there. We walk in the mall, and of course the "home show" was there for the weekend. This meant tons of little booths with all these businesses trying to get some people interested in their work. So as we are walking, I look up... and I see him. Shane.

Oh wow. Shane is the guy that was married and still trying to date me. He was always talking about how the opportunity was too much for him to "pass up" - which just made me want to vomit. I thought by going back to Grand Valley that I was leaving the situation for good. Yeah, I was wrong.

Okay... so I see him. And in that same moment, he saw me. I could tell right then that he was thinking "She's back in town?", just as I was looking like a deer in the headlights. Kate looked up a second after that, and by then he was pointing at me, trying to get my attention. We went over and talked for a minute, and it was awkward. It only made me more sick. He was trying so hard to hang out with me.

And now he calls...all the time. Great.

Like I don't have enough going on.

Friday night I got a call from Curtis telling me that Eric knew about me and Dave. Which, by the way, we are officially a couple. And now we have to deal with Eric's reaction finding out about us on top of the stress of a new relationship status. Fan-flipping-tastic.

Weather has been horrible, which has only made everything worse.

Bring it on fates, I can handle it all.
They obviously don't like me. Or they have some sick sense of humor.

So much for a minimal drama year. Well, it lasted a couple days.

Counting down the days...

So I'm crazy. Let that fact be known.

I'm irrational, impulsive, and incapable of keeping my thoughts hidden. And he knows this.

Dave reads me like a book. Even when we are on the phone. He knows exactly what I am thinking, and I don't even have to say a word. Somehow he figured out that I was distressed about something. He knew I wanted to tell him something. He sensed the urgency in my tone I suppose.
Whatever it was, it didn't take him long to find the answers.

Sending my love,
hope it reaches you safe.
I'm scared, and I don't want you to know.
But you do, 'cause I am not hiding well at all.
The emotions, the distress is plastered on my face.
And it streams from the tone of my voice.

Forgive me,
I feel like I cannot be so open with this.
You have your thoughts, I have mine.
And they do not match.
They don't even overlap.
At least not with this.

Judge me not,
for I have reservations about growing up.
The world is scary,
and I'm running in the opposite direction.

Love me,
for I love you more than words can describe.
Help me find my way, and grow up.
Understand our differences in opinion,
and accept me.

I've been piecing these thoughts together over the last couple weeks.
I'm the best at playing devil's advocate with myself.
I second-guess my decisions, and my feelings.
I'm stuck.

And just when the words are on the tip of my tongue, I stop.
Everything is right there, and I cannot speak what I am thinking.
I have all these thoughts running through my head...
"Is this the right time?"
"Will he understand?"
"Am I making sense?"

The last question seems to always be lingering in my head when it comes to Dave. I cannot understand how just being in the presence of someone can leave me flustered and confused. I lose all sense of word order and essential English, basically.


And now I need to sleep.

Tonight I'll just stare out my window...

I wish I could explain how great he makes me feel. His laughter is addicting. And I'm craving it.
I love having those amazing conversations with him. And the best part was when he said...
"Hey Jess, guess what? ...I love you"
...I melted.

It is these moments when I just want to jump up and down, smiling ear to ear. You know, that excitement that demands you celebrate by dancing in the kitchen all crazy-like, not caring who sees you.

It makes me think of all the sweet little things he does. The way he looks at me, and smiles. The times when my hair is in my face, and he pushes it away. I can't believe I didn't see this before.

He understands me. For every stupid thing I say, he makes sense of. And despite what everyone else tells me, he still makes me feel okay about just being me.

He's the guy that is your best friend and your greatest love. I can just tell. He wants to feel a connection with someone, and won't mess around with the people he doesn't feel that way about. He knows what he wants, and will do pretty much anything to get it. At first I despised this about him, but now I find it romantic. He knows we would be good together. And he is fighting for it. God, I'm so lucky.

I just hope I'm not jaded.

I've had my heart broken. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure it is fixed yet. So the scary part becomes trusting someone with something so fragile to begin with. And he knows this is difficult for me. He has seen me at my lowest points, when my heart was ripped into a million pieces. And he is still there. Waiting.

And I want to run to him. Make these bad memories disappear, forever. Create amazing new memories. Celebrate life. I'm young, I should be exploring the world. And I think I want to explore with him.

So I'm gonna take the first step. Breathe in deep. Speak the words I've kept locked away.

Commit to the moment and tell him right then and there.

I love you.
You've been in my heart for a while.
And that's where I want you to stay.
I don't want to think I've wasted a single moment,
moments I could have spent loving you.
So here I am.
Ready to love.


And hopefully at the end of this he will hug me. I must mention he gives the best hugs ever. They have a way of making me feel secure. Like nothing could hurt me when I'm in his arms.
It would be the perfect way to say both goodbye and hello. Goodbye to the old relationships we've been in, and hello to the greatest adventure of our lives. I'm so excited.

I can't help but smile.

Finally, a sigh of relief...

Today I can breathe a little easier.
I can't even explain the weight that has been lifted.

And I'm coming to terms with the fact that I want a relationship with Dave. I want it so badly.
He makes life worth living to the fullest. For once, I am not feeling rushed, or persuaded into a relationship. I feel ready. He can make my life amazingly great. And I think I deserve that.

So this is the start of his 4th week there. Only 6 more of that school, and then 3 weeks at airborne school. So 9 weeks 'til I see him. I'm already excited.

This week I am creating the package I'm sending him for Valentine's Day.
It's going to be fabulous. And of course, I'm sending the other boys some little gift bags as well. (Well, just the ones that don't have girlfriends. I don't want them to feel left out.)
And I'm going to include a letter to Dave. Not just any letter, but one that has taken me about a week and a half to write. I've poured my heart into it, and I want him to be able to know exactly how I'm feeling. This way he can look at it when he gets homesick, and know that he has a girl that loves him waiting. And I'll wait forever. Hopefully that will make him succeed that much more, and come back to me accomplished.

Today is a good day. I hope to see many more of these.

:)

Fudge popsicles are simply amazing...

Today is a lazy day. Thank god.

Decided to be the bigger person and just apologize for the "pencil sharpener" incident. Figured that would just make everything better. And it did.

Talked to Dave this morning... and I find myself wanting to say so many words all out of order. Nothing I am thinking or saying to him makes sense, because I just get all flustered. There are some things I so desperately want to tell him, and other things I am thinking that I simply cannot tell him. At least not right now.

I'm so worried. And I'm hoping that it is just my crazy mind over-analyzing it all.
And if worse comes to worse, I have options. But that is not Plan A, not even Plan B.
It is like Plan Q.

I hate wishing I could take it all back. That I could close my eyes and start over.
Needless to say, it is not that easy.

I feel like it is never over. The situation just follows, wherever I go. It doesn't matter who I surround myself with, or the location in which I reside. It is merely a mental issue. And as long as I think about it, it will remain an issue. So the problem becomes... how do I start the process of forgetting about a whole year of my life? Or at least, how do I come to terms with the decisions I have made?

And the worst part is, I feel like I have disappointed Steve. As a daughter I don't feel like I have made him proud. It has nothing to do with my academics, or my love for him - but merely my inability to carry out a stable, good relationship.

I just need a moment when I realize everything will be okay. It can't be someone telling me it, or anything like that. I just need to see it for myself. I just hope it will be soon.

All over a flipping pencil sharpener...

I'm so tired of stupid arguments. I feel like I am the only one who can just let go of little aggravations for the sake of everyone's sanity... but my roommate can't. I was just joking around, she thought I was yelling at her... and of course it all blew up the minute we got home. I swear, it's like dealing with a pms'ing girlfriend - all the gosh darn time. One minute she is fine and laughing, the next minute she is pissed and storming out of the room. The silent treatment is not a mature problem-solving strategy!

It drives me crazy how over-dramatic and irrational she becomes over the most trivial issues. And if I get mad over something, then she just tells me how ridiculous I am being. Well, I guess I will never win in this situation. Not to mention that she always treats me like I'm stupid. Half of the time I prove her wrong. I just feel like screaming.

Anyway... I currently have bigger issues that I actually care about. I'm really missing Dave right now. During times like these, I would have vented to him about this roommate thing, and he would make everything better.

snow day!

Well, today is a snow day. Too bad I didn't have class today regularly. So now I have to be couped up with the roomies all day. Lovely.

Last night I laid in bed thinking. This thinking wasn't necessarily focused, or specific in any way, but it made me realize how much time I spend analyzing the world around me. Whether it is contemplating why I decided to act foolish, or why Dave said what he said in the way he said it - I'm always second-guessing the motives. It has surely been my downfall in a few relationships, for I don't ever want to fully trust people. Especially the people that can really hurt me.

I was thinking about how the relationship with Dave and I unfolded. To be completely honest, I don't think anyone expected us to be that close. Most think that the nature of our relationship changed just because an opportunity opened up. I don't think that is the case. I'm sure that if I stayed with Eric that Dave would still have felt the way that he did/does. We can't help the way we feel - which is truly the worst part of relationships and love. I hate not having control over that aspect of my life. I mean, I can alter the relationships and situations I get into, but at the end of the day I can't shake myself out of the feelings that consume me.

Dave is an interesting character. Maybe it is the difference in the way that he treats me compared to his other friends, but I am always fascinated with how his whole demeanor changes the minute we are alone. He becomes vulnerable. His focus is solely on communicating the exact way he feels, even if he has to explain it in many ways, for hours on end. We would spend hours just talking about our past experiences with love, family, and friends. Oddly enough he always knew what to say to make any situation I faced that much clearer. I never thought he would be able to do that.

Time and time again he surprised me with the depth of his personality.

I think that is what I love most about him. I can't categorize his behavior, because he can act silly at one moment, and then fall into a deep conversation about the inner workings of Anna Karenina. Who knew that Dave had read Tolstoy?

And he is always ready to learn more about me. He knows so much about my life just because he took the time to ask. Even the small random facts like how I love drinking hot chocolate, but only if it has three marshmallows in it. Eric didn't even take the time to learn stuff like that.

Dave was the one I ran to. I cried on his shoulder, and took comfort in his arms. Whenever I was sad, he was right there. He always had his phone on, and answered it many times at odd hours... just for me.

Which is why I am completely stuck. Definitely between a rock and a hard place.
As much as I think I am feeling for him... do I really want to start dating my ex's best friend?

first post!

Oh...a new blog. How great.

I figured that I needed a "clean slate" as some would say.

I feel that maybe if I document the thoughts and feelings as they come to me, that I will find clarity concerning my maybe-sorta confusion surrounding Dave and I. So... here goes.

First off, I didn't expect to feel this strongly. Whatever it is that I am feeling. Sometimes I know that I like him, and want a relationship. Other times I figure that it is just me missing him, and that separation is what is causing me to misinterpret my actual feelings about him. For once in my life I am not at the crossroads of wondering whether or not I love him, but rather if I am in love with him. Which is so much harder to distinguish.

The time spent with Dave has opened my eyes to a person that - at first glance - was a typical college guy. Loved to drink, "slay chicks", not to mention hang out with the guys and do the most random and stupid things ever possible. And yes, that made him funny and a cool guy to hang out with. After some time though, I realized the heart this guy has. He cares about his friends as if they were his family, and made them a priority always. He accepted me into this group of friends, and treated me as more than just his friend's girlfriend.
He made me his friend.

I appreciate the time he took to get to know me. I will always cherish the things he told me in confidence, and the trust he gave me. Him and Curtis became my older brothers, the guys that were always there to protect me, and make sure that Eric was treating me the way I deserved to be treated. We were a family, and I felt as if I belonged somewhere. Maybe that is where the true connection began.

As the months passed, Dave, Curtis, Eric and I hung out all the time. We created long lasting memories, as juvenile as our actions were. Like the time when Curtis and Dave burned Eric's spice rack. We laughed about that for days on end, and every time the story was retold. Snowshoe dodgeball and football Mondays were practically the greatest moments of my life.

Well... I will continue this tomorrow.
I should be studying for my art history quiz.
It's gonna be a doozie.