5 loads of laundry later...

It's official. I have a lot of clothes. And probably half of them I don't wear. But I love them nonetheless, and would never part with them.

I'm so excited for spring break. A week away from the stress, and time to just have fun.

I'm one step from the door...

I hate roommates who don't care. They don't care about people, or their feelings. And they definitely don't care whether or not the friendship they had with the other person is diminishing right before their eyes.

She doesn't care. And I'm sick of trying to get her to care.

So I've decided I need to figure out a new plan. A new living arrangement, a new 5-year plan.

I want to surround myself with people who are friends. Not just roommates, acquaintances, or ships passing in the night.

I want to return to the days of bffs, and friends that were like sisters. Moments held in photo books that we carry with us always. Late nights just talking about our lives, and experiences - good and bad. Text messages that translate to a smile, even when we are miles apart from each other.

I've found that recently the number of girls I used to associate those things with is dwindling. And now my roommate has become one of the lost. Which I never expected.

I used to tell her everything. And she did the same.
We would laugh about stupid things, and lay in our beds at night talking across rooms to each other. We took crazy pictures, and framed them for our walls. We fought and laughed at the same time. But now we just fight. And she likes to subscribe to the silent treatment.
How lovely.

For some reason, I feel like I should have expected this. Why, I don't know. It really started to happen when Eric and I ended our relationship. Maybe my isolation caused her to change. Well, whatever it was, I don't like the change. I want one of my best friends back. I need her.

The thing that scares me most is her being aware of it and doing nothing to change it. That would really be the worst case scenario. Because in that case... I can do nothing to fix it.

♥ I hope this is not what is happening.

Another page turn in my book...

I love the Alicia Keys and John Mayer song "Lesson learned", simply for my ability to relate on so many levels to it.

The lyrics:
"His tears, your eyes
30 seconds to apologize
You give him one more chance, just like the time before
but he already knows you'd give a hundred more"

...they hit me like a ton of bricks.

It reminds me of so many times I ignored my better judgment and gave another chance. Just because my heart couldn't take the pain of continual loss.

I took down the pictures today.
The memories I have created over the last 4 years.

The inside jokes, the butterflies of falling in love, and the heartache of losing it all. It was written across the pictures that lined my wall. And every night I would lay my head down on the pillow, praying my happiness wasn't locked in those photos.

I lost part of myself when I lost him. I forgot how to care about myself.

And for every tear I shed, he shed none.

He made me hate him. Took everything from me, and left me helpless. It didn't matter how much I cared for him, because he didn't care enough to not hurt me. And clearly that should have been the hint to leave.

All I wanted was merely just a corner of his heart. Just a small bit that I could call mine.

And as much as I would love to tear up the pictures, I can't.
Maybe just because I still believe my happiness is in there. And I'm terrified that if I destroy the pictures, I will destroy my happiness. I know it is a crazy thought, but that's me.

I'll simply lay them in a photo box, and slip them into a drawer.
They are like forget-me-nots... for I will never forget about them.
Or him.

I'm so not a fan of Art history classes...

So, we all know midterms suck. But when they are in subjects like art history, they suck majorly.

I'm so overwhelmed. In just that class.

My head cannot fit any more information into it. Well, any more "art related" information.

And Dave is being a douchebag this week.
Perhaps because he is homesick.
Perhaps because he needs some comfort food.
Whatever the reason is, he is driving me up a wall.

I don't understand why I must clean up the mess he has made in the last few days.
But at the same time, someone has to do it.

I'll write more about it later. When I'm not cramming tons of information into my head that is useless and will never be applied in my professional life.

I've given up letting love lead the way...

I need to use my head. 'Cause my heart is running me all over the place.

I've forgotten what I really need to do, and have focused on how my feelings, along with everyone else's feelings, have to do with every situation. So here it is. I love you all, but I need to do this for me.

1. I'm sick of the bull. Stop making me the emotional fool I've become. Understand that I want to care, but I will not be manipulated into feeling sad. I will not feel guilty for trying to help you. I've done everything I can, and you just need to see the good intentions I have.

2. Get over trivial stuff. Forgive minuscule actions and details of fights. Be grown up, perhaps for the first time in your life. I want to make the best of my experiences, and for that to happen you need to work with me, rather than against me.

3. Draw out the lines that make up our relationships. Are we going to stand the test of time? If so, open up to me. Let's have that close bond that we both desperately need. I'm here, wanting to honestly say I can tell you everything, and that you will tell me everything.

4. Make it known how you feel. Do not hide behind fake smiles and small talk. I can handle what you have to say, so speak up. It will only make us stronger friends.

5. Live life, and breathe easy knowing you can just be yourself. Well, at least with me.


I know the recent events have drained me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not myself. Well, that will all change. I'm going to find who I am again. I need to. And I need your help. I need support to get out of this rut I'm in.

Oh, the fates must hate me...

So this weekend was, to put it simply... a complete enigma. I got home on Friday morning, and hung out for a bit. That night I made plans to hang out with Kate. She wanted to go to the mall to buy some stuff, so we headed there. We walk in the mall, and of course the "home show" was there for the weekend. This meant tons of little booths with all these businesses trying to get some people interested in their work. So as we are walking, I look up... and I see him. Shane.

Oh wow. Shane is the guy that was married and still trying to date me. He was always talking about how the opportunity was too much for him to "pass up" - which just made me want to vomit. I thought by going back to Grand Valley that I was leaving the situation for good. Yeah, I was wrong.

Okay... so I see him. And in that same moment, he saw me. I could tell right then that he was thinking "She's back in town?", just as I was looking like a deer in the headlights. Kate looked up a second after that, and by then he was pointing at me, trying to get my attention. We went over and talked for a minute, and it was awkward. It only made me more sick. He was trying so hard to hang out with me.

And now he calls...all the time. Great.

Like I don't have enough going on.

Friday night I got a call from Curtis telling me that Eric knew about me and Dave. Which, by the way, we are officially a couple. And now we have to deal with Eric's reaction finding out about us on top of the stress of a new relationship status. Fan-flipping-tastic.

Weather has been horrible, which has only made everything worse.

Bring it on fates, I can handle it all.
They obviously don't like me. Or they have some sick sense of humor.

So much for a minimal drama year. Well, it lasted a couple days.

Counting down the days...

So I'm crazy. Let that fact be known.

I'm irrational, impulsive, and incapable of keeping my thoughts hidden. And he knows this.

Dave reads me like a book. Even when we are on the phone. He knows exactly what I am thinking, and I don't even have to say a word. Somehow he figured out that I was distressed about something. He knew I wanted to tell him something. He sensed the urgency in my tone I suppose.
Whatever it was, it didn't take him long to find the answers.

Sending my love,
hope it reaches you safe.
I'm scared, and I don't want you to know.
But you do, 'cause I am not hiding well at all.
The emotions, the distress is plastered on my face.
And it streams from the tone of my voice.

Forgive me,
I feel like I cannot be so open with this.
You have your thoughts, I have mine.
And they do not match.
They don't even overlap.
At least not with this.

Judge me not,
for I have reservations about growing up.
The world is scary,
and I'm running in the opposite direction.

Love me,
for I love you more than words can describe.
Help me find my way, and grow up.
Understand our differences in opinion,
and accept me.

I've been piecing these thoughts together over the last couple weeks.
I'm the best at playing devil's advocate with myself.
I second-guess my decisions, and my feelings.
I'm stuck.

And just when the words are on the tip of my tongue, I stop.
Everything is right there, and I cannot speak what I am thinking.
I have all these thoughts running through my head...
"Is this the right time?"
"Will he understand?"
"Am I making sense?"

The last question seems to always be lingering in my head when it comes to Dave. I cannot understand how just being in the presence of someone can leave me flustered and confused. I lose all sense of word order and essential English, basically.


And now I need to sleep.

Tonight I'll just stare out my window...

I wish I could explain how great he makes me feel. His laughter is addicting. And I'm craving it.
I love having those amazing conversations with him. And the best part was when he said...
"Hey Jess, guess what? ...I love you"
...I melted.

It is these moments when I just want to jump up and down, smiling ear to ear. You know, that excitement that demands you celebrate by dancing in the kitchen all crazy-like, not caring who sees you.

It makes me think of all the sweet little things he does. The way he looks at me, and smiles. The times when my hair is in my face, and he pushes it away. I can't believe I didn't see this before.

He understands me. For every stupid thing I say, he makes sense of. And despite what everyone else tells me, he still makes me feel okay about just being me.

He's the guy that is your best friend and your greatest love. I can just tell. He wants to feel a connection with someone, and won't mess around with the people he doesn't feel that way about. He knows what he wants, and will do pretty much anything to get it. At first I despised this about him, but now I find it romantic. He knows we would be good together. And he is fighting for it. God, I'm so lucky.

I just hope I'm not jaded.

I've had my heart broken. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure it is fixed yet. So the scary part becomes trusting someone with something so fragile to begin with. And he knows this is difficult for me. He has seen me at my lowest points, when my heart was ripped into a million pieces. And he is still there. Waiting.

And I want to run to him. Make these bad memories disappear, forever. Create amazing new memories. Celebrate life. I'm young, I should be exploring the world. And I think I want to explore with him.

So I'm gonna take the first step. Breathe in deep. Speak the words I've kept locked away.

Commit to the moment and tell him right then and there.

I love you.
You've been in my heart for a while.
And that's where I want you to stay.
I don't want to think I've wasted a single moment,
moments I could have spent loving you.
So here I am.
Ready to love.


And hopefully at the end of this he will hug me. I must mention he gives the best hugs ever. They have a way of making me feel secure. Like nothing could hurt me when I'm in his arms.
It would be the perfect way to say both goodbye and hello. Goodbye to the old relationships we've been in, and hello to the greatest adventure of our lives. I'm so excited.

I can't help but smile.

Finally, a sigh of relief...

Today I can breathe a little easier.
I can't even explain the weight that has been lifted.

And I'm coming to terms with the fact that I want a relationship with Dave. I want it so badly.
He makes life worth living to the fullest. For once, I am not feeling rushed, or persuaded into a relationship. I feel ready. He can make my life amazingly great. And I think I deserve that.

So this is the start of his 4th week there. Only 6 more of that school, and then 3 weeks at airborne school. So 9 weeks 'til I see him. I'm already excited.

This week I am creating the package I'm sending him for Valentine's Day.
It's going to be fabulous. And of course, I'm sending the other boys some little gift bags as well. (Well, just the ones that don't have girlfriends. I don't want them to feel left out.)
And I'm going to include a letter to Dave. Not just any letter, but one that has taken me about a week and a half to write. I've poured my heart into it, and I want him to be able to know exactly how I'm feeling. This way he can look at it when he gets homesick, and know that he has a girl that loves him waiting. And I'll wait forever. Hopefully that will make him succeed that much more, and come back to me accomplished.

Today is a good day. I hope to see many more of these.

:)

Fudge popsicles are simply amazing...

Today is a lazy day. Thank god.

Decided to be the bigger person and just apologize for the "pencil sharpener" incident. Figured that would just make everything better. And it did.

Talked to Dave this morning... and I find myself wanting to say so many words all out of order. Nothing I am thinking or saying to him makes sense, because I just get all flustered. There are some things I so desperately want to tell him, and other things I am thinking that I simply cannot tell him. At least not right now.

I'm so worried. And I'm hoping that it is just my crazy mind over-analyzing it all.
And if worse comes to worse, I have options. But that is not Plan A, not even Plan B.
It is like Plan Q.

I hate wishing I could take it all back. That I could close my eyes and start over.
Needless to say, it is not that easy.

I feel like it is never over. The situation just follows, wherever I go. It doesn't matter who I surround myself with, or the location in which I reside. It is merely a mental issue. And as long as I think about it, it will remain an issue. So the problem becomes... how do I start the process of forgetting about a whole year of my life? Or at least, how do I come to terms with the decisions I have made?

And the worst part is, I feel like I have disappointed Steve. As a daughter I don't feel like I have made him proud. It has nothing to do with my academics, or my love for him - but merely my inability to carry out a stable, good relationship.

I just need a moment when I realize everything will be okay. It can't be someone telling me it, or anything like that. I just need to see it for myself. I just hope it will be soon.