01 February 2008

Fudge popsicles are simply amazing...

Today is a lazy day. Thank god.

Decided to be the bigger person and just apologize for the "pencil sharpener" incident. Figured that would just make everything better. And it did.

Talked to Dave this morning... and I find myself wanting to say so many words all out of order. Nothing I am thinking or saying to him makes sense, because I just get all flustered. There are some things I so desperately want to tell him, and other things I am thinking that I simply cannot tell him. At least not right now.

I'm so worried. And I'm hoping that it is just my crazy mind over-analyzing it all.
And if worse comes to worse, I have options. But that is not Plan A, not even Plan B.
It is like Plan Q.

I hate wishing I could take it all back. That I could close my eyes and start over.
Needless to say, it is not that easy.

I feel like it is never over. The situation just follows, wherever I go. It doesn't matter who I surround myself with, or the location in which I reside. It is merely a mental issue. And as long as I think about it, it will remain an issue. So the problem becomes... how do I start the process of forgetting about a whole year of my life? Or at least, how do I come to terms with the decisions I have made?

And the worst part is, I feel like I have disappointed Steve. As a daughter I don't feel like I have made him proud. It has nothing to do with my academics, or my love for him - but merely my inability to carry out a stable, good relationship.

I just need a moment when I realize everything will be okay. It can't be someone telling me it, or anything like that. I just need to see it for myself. I just hope it will be soon.

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