31 January 2008

All over a flipping pencil sharpener...

I'm so tired of stupid arguments. I feel like I am the only one who can just let go of little aggravations for the sake of everyone's sanity... but my roommate can't. I was just joking around, she thought I was yelling at her... and of course it all blew up the minute we got home. I swear, it's like dealing with a pms'ing girlfriend - all the gosh darn time. One minute she is fine and laughing, the next minute she is pissed and storming out of the room. The silent treatment is not a mature problem-solving strategy!

It drives me crazy how over-dramatic and irrational she becomes over the most trivial issues. And if I get mad over something, then she just tells me how ridiculous I am being. Well, I guess I will never win in this situation. Not to mention that she always treats me like I'm stupid. Half of the time I prove her wrong. I just feel like screaming.

Anyway... I currently have bigger issues that I actually care about. I'm really missing Dave right now. During times like these, I would have vented to him about this roommate thing, and he would make everything better.

30 January 2008

snow day!

Well, today is a snow day. Too bad I didn't have class today regularly. So now I have to be couped up with the roomies all day. Lovely.

Last night I laid in bed thinking. This thinking wasn't necessarily focused, or specific in any way, but it made me realize how much time I spend analyzing the world around me. Whether it is contemplating why I decided to act foolish, or why Dave said what he said in the way he said it - I'm always second-guessing the motives. It has surely been my downfall in a few relationships, for I don't ever want to fully trust people. Especially the people that can really hurt me.

I was thinking about how the relationship with Dave and I unfolded. To be completely honest, I don't think anyone expected us to be that close. Most think that the nature of our relationship changed just because an opportunity opened up. I don't think that is the case. I'm sure that if I stayed with Eric that Dave would still have felt the way that he did/does. We can't help the way we feel - which is truly the worst part of relationships and love. I hate not having control over that aspect of my life. I mean, I can alter the relationships and situations I get into, but at the end of the day I can't shake myself out of the feelings that consume me.

Dave is an interesting character. Maybe it is the difference in the way that he treats me compared to his other friends, but I am always fascinated with how his whole demeanor changes the minute we are alone. He becomes vulnerable. His focus is solely on communicating the exact way he feels, even if he has to explain it in many ways, for hours on end. We would spend hours just talking about our past experiences with love, family, and friends. Oddly enough he always knew what to say to make any situation I faced that much clearer. I never thought he would be able to do that.

Time and time again he surprised me with the depth of his personality.

I think that is what I love most about him. I can't categorize his behavior, because he can act silly at one moment, and then fall into a deep conversation about the inner workings of Anna Karenina. Who knew that Dave had read Tolstoy?

And he is always ready to learn more about me. He knows so much about my life just because he took the time to ask. Even the small random facts like how I love drinking hot chocolate, but only if it has three marshmallows in it. Eric didn't even take the time to learn stuff like that.

Dave was the one I ran to. I cried on his shoulder, and took comfort in his arms. Whenever I was sad, he was right there. He always had his phone on, and answered it many times at odd hours... just for me.

Which is why I am completely stuck. Definitely between a rock and a hard place.
As much as I think I am feeling for him... do I really want to start dating my ex's best friend?

29 January 2008

first post!

Oh...a new blog. How great.

I figured that I needed a "clean slate" as some would say.

I feel that maybe if I document the thoughts and feelings as they come to me, that I will find clarity concerning my maybe-sorta confusion surrounding Dave and I. So... here goes.

First off, I didn't expect to feel this strongly. Whatever it is that I am feeling. Sometimes I know that I like him, and want a relationship. Other times I figure that it is just me missing him, and that separation is what is causing me to misinterpret my actual feelings about him. For once in my life I am not at the crossroads of wondering whether or not I love him, but rather if I am in love with him. Which is so much harder to distinguish.

The time spent with Dave has opened my eyes to a person that - at first glance - was a typical college guy. Loved to drink, "slay chicks", not to mention hang out with the guys and do the most random and stupid things ever possible. And yes, that made him funny and a cool guy to hang out with. After some time though, I realized the heart this guy has. He cares about his friends as if they were his family, and made them a priority always. He accepted me into this group of friends, and treated me as more than just his friend's girlfriend.
He made me his friend.

I appreciate the time he took to get to know me. I will always cherish the things he told me in confidence, and the trust he gave me. Him and Curtis became my older brothers, the guys that were always there to protect me, and make sure that Eric was treating me the way I deserved to be treated. We were a family, and I felt as if I belonged somewhere. Maybe that is where the true connection began.

As the months passed, Dave, Curtis, Eric and I hung out all the time. We created long lasting memories, as juvenile as our actions were. Like the time when Curtis and Dave burned Eric's spice rack. We laughed about that for days on end, and every time the story was retold. Snowshoe dodgeball and football Mondays were practically the greatest moments of my life.

Well... I will continue this tomorrow.
I should be studying for my art history quiz.
It's gonna be a doozie.