16 December 2008

I'll just keep tossing and turning...

I hate sleeping when he is gone.

Feeling thousands of miles apart.

Heart stretched to the max, aching to be closer to the one I love.

Lonely, and waiting....

Waiting for the comfort of his touch.
The half smiles from across the room. Just for me.
His laughter.
Holding hands and never letting go.
Bracing for the impact of reality - together.
And everything in between.

I finally was beginning to understand how different he is from every relationship previous.

With Eric I was a child.
Following orders.
Partying.
Never really making realistic plans for our future.
Every extravagant luxury... but no solid foundation.

With Dave it was simply friendship convenience.
We were friends, and thought love would follow.
It did, but not enough to sustain a long relationship.

The other previous relationships were short, and pointless.
I don't regret them... I just found them to be juvenile.

But with Matthew...
I'm a grown up.
I don't find the need to party everyday.
I'd rather find happiness in his arms.
Simple luxuries.
I found faith.
And I found a love that one can only dream of.


I have learned more about Matthew in 4 months than I learned in years with Eric.
I have also learned more from Matthew.
Love, when shared with the right person, has the ability to make you the best person you could ever be.
And Matthew is that person for me.

It can only get better from here.
So, I can deal with the insomnia temporarily.

15 December 2008

First love, last love... and all the worlds are colliding...

I wasn't jealous all of my life.
I wasn't bitter.
I wasn't carrying the burden of a heart full of sadness.
I used to believe in the idea of true love, soul mates, and passion.

I became those things after love scorned me.
And I know I have taken some of my heartache out on you.

I have learned a lot.
You are not him. Never were, never will be.
You taught me that trusting someone is not merely saying it. It is believing.
And I will spend the rest of my life believing.
Believing in you, and in myself.


I knew the first day I wanted to be with you forever.
Despite all my nonchalant behavior and sentences filled with hesitation.
I can't explain the entirety of what I feel for you.
It would take a lifetime just to put into words.


Just know that there is no one that understands me better than you.
No one comforts my heart as well as you.
No one steals my breath away the way you do.
No one restores my faith in love with as much confidence as you.
And I wouldn't trade you for anything.

I'm ready to take those steps with you.
I would be honored to take your last name.
And make the word family what it should be.
I want to prove how much love does conquer all.
I want to do it all... with you right beside me.

Just understand. There may be moments when we don't agree.
Just listen. Even in moments when you might not want to.
Just love. In times of great happiness and also in times of sadness.