07 February 2008

Counting down the days...

So I'm crazy. Let that fact be known.

I'm irrational, impulsive, and incapable of keeping my thoughts hidden. And he knows this.

Dave reads me like a book. Even when we are on the phone. He knows exactly what I am thinking, and I don't even have to say a word. Somehow he figured out that I was distressed about something. He knew I wanted to tell him something. He sensed the urgency in my tone I suppose.
Whatever it was, it didn't take him long to find the answers.

Sending my love,
hope it reaches you safe.
I'm scared, and I don't want you to know.
But you do, 'cause I am not hiding well at all.
The emotions, the distress is plastered on my face.
And it streams from the tone of my voice.

Forgive me,
I feel like I cannot be so open with this.
You have your thoughts, I have mine.
And they do not match.
They don't even overlap.
At least not with this.

Judge me not,
for I have reservations about growing up.
The world is scary,
and I'm running in the opposite direction.

Love me,
for I love you more than words can describe.
Help me find my way, and grow up.
Understand our differences in opinion,
and accept me.

I've been piecing these thoughts together over the last couple weeks.
I'm the best at playing devil's advocate with myself.
I second-guess my decisions, and my feelings.
I'm stuck.

And just when the words are on the tip of my tongue, I stop.
Everything is right there, and I cannot speak what I am thinking.
I have all these thoughts running through my head...
"Is this the right time?"
"Will he understand?"
"Am I making sense?"

The last question seems to always be lingering in my head when it comes to Dave. I cannot understand how just being in the presence of someone can leave me flustered and confused. I lose all sense of word order and essential English, basically.

And now I need to sleep.

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