22 February 2008

Another page turn in my book...

I love the Alicia Keys and John Mayer song "Lesson learned", simply for my ability to relate on so many levels to it.

The lyrics:
"His tears, your eyes
30 seconds to apologize
You give him one more chance, just like the time before
but he already knows you'd give a hundred more"

...they hit me like a ton of bricks.

It reminds me of so many times I ignored my better judgment and gave another chance. Just because my heart couldn't take the pain of continual loss.

I took down the pictures today.
The memories I have created over the last 4 years.

The inside jokes, the butterflies of falling in love, and the heartache of losing it all. It was written across the pictures that lined my wall. And every night I would lay my head down on the pillow, praying my happiness wasn't locked in those photos.

I lost part of myself when I lost him. I forgot how to care about myself.

And for every tear I shed, he shed none.

He made me hate him. Took everything from me, and left me helpless. It didn't matter how much I cared for him, because he didn't care enough to not hurt me. And clearly that should have been the hint to leave.

All I wanted was merely just a corner of his heart. Just a small bit that I could call mine.

And as much as I would love to tear up the pictures, I can't.
Maybe just because I still believe my happiness is in there. And I'm terrified that if I destroy the pictures, I will destroy my happiness. I know it is a crazy thought, but that's me.

I'll simply lay them in a photo box, and slip them into a drawer.
They are like forget-me-nots... for I will never forget about them.
Or him.

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