02 July 2010

Rough days come and go...

I have never felt so all over the place. These last few weeks have been so hard.

Let me first admit how much I wanted a baby.
I prayed, and I begged for everything to be ok.
I did everything I was supposed to.
And still the rug was pulled out from under my feet.

I still don't know how each day will be. Some days I wake up crying, others I seem ok. There is no way to describe the pain and despair of losing a child. I could never really understand how other girls felt when they said that they experienced it. And now I know. It is the most physical pain, emotional pain, and mental anguish I have ever dealt with in my life.

I was carrying something so precious, and for some reason Heavenly Father decided it wasn't the right time. I know He has a plan for me, it just hurts to understand the pain we must endure to follow that plan. I find myself asking "why me" when I see other girls that are pregnant and doing well. I second guess my commitment to the church, and then have to reassure myself that I am a good person, and a good member of the church.

The hardest thing to do is find ways not to blame myself. I read and reread the pregnancy books searching for answers to questions that would tell me something I did wrong. And I found nothing. It just wasn't the right timing.

And I'm broken. My heart is in pieces.
I just need the strength to go on. The courage to face what's ahead. And the knowledge to know how. I know it will take some time. And I am so thankful for the people here in Texas that are helping me along the way. These girls are so nice, and the ones that have been through it are so understanding. The surprising part is the girls that haven't been through it are so willing to just be there with a hand to hold, or a shoulder to cry on. I feel as though I'm going to be ok, even though I am so far away from my family. I just hope that I find the courage to try again.

I am so scared. And that fear will probably never subside. But I know that I would be a great mom. This experience will only help me appreciate my child that much more.

For now, I will just keep on praying.

23 August 2009

If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken arm, brace it. If it's a broken heart... then face it.

I've been trying for a while to figure out how to say what I have been feeling.

It has been extremely hard to face the facts of reality myself.
So I will just start by saying that I know life is precious.

And I am sorry I didn't take the time to talk to you, and find out that you were hurting.
I shouldn't have been so stubborn.

I just hope you know... I love you.

And know that I will do everything in my power to help you.
I knew there was a specific reason why I needed to do baptisms.
I will make sure to give you that opportunity. I promise.

Faith is really helping me right now.
And in a little over a month I will be 21.
Such a nostalgic age.
And weirdly enough, it just feels like another birthday.

12 July 2009

Someone shake me from this routine...

I feel like I have lost something. And for the longest time I didn't know what it was.
Something that wasn't necessary to live, but something noticable none-the-less.
Tonight while playing a game with friends I realized what that thing was.

The moments I didn't stop to take in.
The smiles I passed off, without taking the time to smile back.
The simple laughs I forgot to enjoy.

Maybe my routine has just gotten in the way of this.
Work, work, work, and less patience as the days wear on.
And I must admit that it has changed me.

For the better? Not so much.

I have noticed lately that I am more angry. More upset about everything not being perfect.
I guess I had some thought that it would all run smoothly on it's own.

But unfortunately that is not the case.

So I am deciding now.

Making a commitment to enjoy my time in California.
Whether it be exciting adventures spanning the entire state, or times on the couch just lounging.

I will take more time laughing, rather than planning the next thing I will probably get upset about. Taking offense to something is a choice. And for so long I let everything get to me.

Being more optimistic will probably allow my mind to rest... and give me the opportunity to really bask in the moment. I truly need this.
And as for everything else going on in the world...
I haven't updated this blog in ages... so here's the condensed version of what has happened.
  • Got married.
  • Moved stuff to Idaho.
  • Drove to California to work for the summer.
  • Met cool people that work with us. :)
  • Visited many great attractions that California has to offer.
  • Got a kitten. And named her Izzy.
  • Fell in love with the sunshine. (Still working on the tan)
  • Still miss my friends very much. Wish they were here to enjoy this with me.
♥ Jess

16 December 2008

I'll just keep tossing and turning...

I hate sleeping when he is gone.

Feeling thousands of miles apart.

Heart stretched to the max, aching to be closer to the one I love.

Lonely, and waiting....

Waiting for the comfort of his touch.
The half smiles from across the room. Just for me.
His laughter.
Holding hands and never letting go.
Bracing for the impact of reality - together.
And everything in between.

I finally was beginning to understand how different he is from every relationship previous.

With Eric I was a child.
Following orders.
Never really making realistic plans for our future.
Every extravagant luxury... but no solid foundation.

With Dave it was simply friendship convenience.
We were friends, and thought love would follow.
It did, but not enough to sustain a long relationship.

The other previous relationships were short, and pointless.
I don't regret them... I just found them to be juvenile.

But with Matthew...
I'm a grown up.
I don't find the need to party everyday.
I'd rather find happiness in his arms.
Simple luxuries.
I found faith.
And I found a love that one can only dream of.

I have learned more about Matthew in 4 months than I learned in years with Eric.
I have also learned more from Matthew.
Love, when shared with the right person, has the ability to make you the best person you could ever be.
And Matthew is that person for me.

It can only get better from here.
So, I can deal with the insomnia temporarily.

15 December 2008

First love, last love... and all the worlds are colliding...

I wasn't jealous all of my life.
I wasn't bitter.
I wasn't carrying the burden of a heart full of sadness.
I used to believe in the idea of true love, soul mates, and passion.

I became those things after love scorned me.
And I know I have taken some of my heartache out on you.

I have learned a lot.
You are not him. Never were, never will be.
You taught me that trusting someone is not merely saying it. It is believing.
And I will spend the rest of my life believing.
Believing in you, and in myself.

I knew the first day I wanted to be with you forever.
Despite all my nonchalant behavior and sentences filled with hesitation.
I can't explain the entirety of what I feel for you.
It would take a lifetime just to put into words.

Just know that there is no one that understands me better than you.
No one comforts my heart as well as you.
No one steals my breath away the way you do.
No one restores my faith in love with as much confidence as you.
And I wouldn't trade you for anything.

I'm ready to take those steps with you.
I would be honored to take your last name.
And make the word family what it should be.
I want to prove how much love does conquer all.
I want to do it all... with you right beside me.

Just understand. There may be moments when we don't agree.
Just listen. Even in moments when you might not want to.
Just love. In times of great happiness and also in times of sadness.

17 September 2008

The words are there... just a little muffled...

Let's face it. I'm scared.

I don't want to be hurt. My heart just can't take it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night - hoping and praying that my past hasn't broken me.
I'm desperate to be heard, to be noticed.

Make me believe you are different than the rest.
Change my opinion of love.
Force me to see the good in letting go.
Help me understand how happy I can be.

Let me know it's okay to tell you everything.
And forgive me for my hesitation.
I really do want you to know. Just give me time.

I might not be the most obvious person when it comes to speaking my emotions.
I do like you though. A lot.
I'm excited at the possibilities.
I'm hopeful.

And I just got some inspiration.
So... off to my guitar.

26 June 2008

Spare me a moment...

I'm essentially trapped. Caught in a world where love conquers all.

It is truly a love/hate relationship with the idea and practice of love.

I can't live without it, and for that reason, I despise it.

My grandparents keep telling me I'm simply lovesick.
Grandpa tells me he has, and always will be, lovesick for my grandma.
Grandma tells me it will subside the moment I find who I am longing for.

...so to put it simply, I'm essentially screwed.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Either I find who I am lovesick for, and they "cure" it...
Or I find them, and feel lovesick for them forever.

And my attraction for army guys really needs to stop.
That's just a lifetime of worry, sadness and loneliness.

Dave is at ranger school. And I'm what feels like a million miles away.
The night before he left we had a really long phone conversation that lasted hours.
It didn't consist of much content, just a lot of laughs.
And then the moment came.
The moment when I realized I didn't want him to go.
I didn't want him to leave for three months and not be able to talk to me.
I was completely shocked that I started to cry.
This was not planned, not part of how I was supposed to react.
I did not expect to feel that sense of longing.

He asked me what was wrong.
And something compelled me to tell him everything.
Every heartache, every time I dealt with missing him.
I even let him read my blog.
Which I wouldn't have normally done.
But there was simply no other way for him to understand how I feel about him.

I didn't want the conversation to end.
He told me he would call the next day before he reported.

When he called, I couldn't help but feel paralyzed.
I couldn't beg him to not go.
I could barely speak.

The phone conversation ended, and I collapsed.
I realized it felt the same way as the day my dad left.
Complete abandonment.

But there was one difference.
Dave promised me he will return. With us in mind.

That's all I can ask.