26 June 2008

Spare me a moment...

I'm essentially trapped. Caught in a world where love conquers all.

It is truly a love/hate relationship with the idea and practice of love.

I can't live without it, and for that reason, I despise it.

My grandparents keep telling me I'm simply lovesick.
Grandpa tells me he has, and always will be, lovesick for my grandma.
Grandma tells me it will subside the moment I find who I am longing for.

...so to put it simply, I'm essentially screwed.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Either I find who I am lovesick for, and they "cure" it...
Or I find them, and feel lovesick for them forever.

And my attraction for army guys really needs to stop.
That's just a lifetime of worry, sadness and loneliness.

Dave is at ranger school. And I'm what feels like a million miles away.
The night before he left we had a really long phone conversation that lasted hours.
It didn't consist of much content, just a lot of laughs.
And then the moment came.
The moment when I realized I didn't want him to go.
I didn't want him to leave for three months and not be able to talk to me.
I was completely shocked that I started to cry.
This was not planned, not part of how I was supposed to react.
I did not expect to feel that sense of longing.

He asked me what was wrong.
And something compelled me to tell him everything.
Every heartache, every time I dealt with missing him.
I even let him read my blog.
Which I wouldn't have normally done.
But there was simply no other way for him to understand how I feel about him.

I didn't want the conversation to end.
He told me he would call the next day before he reported.

When he called, I couldn't help but feel paralyzed.
I couldn't beg him to not go.
I could barely speak.

The phone conversation ended, and I collapsed.
I realized it felt the same way as the day my dad left.
Complete abandonment.

But there was one difference.
Dave promised me he will return. With us in mind.

That's all I can ask.

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