02 July 2010

Rough days come and go...

I have never felt so all over the place. These last few weeks have been so hard.

Let me first admit how much I wanted a baby.
I prayed, and I begged for everything to be ok.
I did everything I was supposed to.
And still the rug was pulled out from under my feet.

I still don't know how each day will be. Some days I wake up crying, others I seem ok. There is no way to describe the pain and despair of losing a child. I could never really understand how other girls felt when they said that they experienced it. And now I know. It is the most physical pain, emotional pain, and mental anguish I have ever dealt with in my life.

I was carrying something so precious, and for some reason Heavenly Father decided it wasn't the right time. I know He has a plan for me, it just hurts to understand the pain we must endure to follow that plan. I find myself asking "why me" when I see other girls that are pregnant and doing well. I second guess my commitment to the church, and then have to reassure myself that I am a good person, and a good member of the church.

The hardest thing to do is find ways not to blame myself. I read and reread the pregnancy books searching for answers to questions that would tell me something I did wrong. And I found nothing. It just wasn't the right timing.

And I'm broken. My heart is in pieces.
I just need the strength to go on. The courage to face what's ahead. And the knowledge to know how. I know it will take some time. And I am so thankful for the people here in Texas that are helping me along the way. These girls are so nice, and the ones that have been through it are so understanding. The surprising part is the girls that haven't been through it are so willing to just be there with a hand to hold, or a shoulder to cry on. I feel as though I'm going to be ok, even though I am so far away from my family. I just hope that I find the courage to try again.

I am so scared. And that fear will probably never subside. But I know that I would be a great mom. This experience will only help me appreciate my child that much more.

For now, I will just keep on praying.

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