Well, today is a snow day. Too bad I didn't have class today regularly. So now I have to be couped up with the roomies all day. Lovely.
Last night I laid in bed thinking. This thinking wasn't necessarily focused, or specific in any way, but it made me realize how much time I spend analyzing the world around me. Whether it is contemplating why I decided to act foolish, or why Dave said what he said in the way he said it - I'm always second-guessing the motives. It has surely been my downfall in a few relationships, for I don't ever want to fully trust people. Especially the people that can really hurt me.
I was thinking about how the relationship with Dave and I unfolded. To be completely honest, I don't think anyone expected us to be that close. Most think that the nature of our relationship changed just because an opportunity opened up. I don't think that is the case. I'm sure that if I stayed with Eric that Dave would still have felt the way that he did/does. We can't help the way we feel - which is truly the worst part of relationships and love. I hate not having control over that aspect of my life. I mean, I can alter the relationships and situations I get into, but at the end of the day I can't shake myself out of the feelings that consume me.
Dave is an interesting character. Maybe it is the difference in the way that he treats me compared to his other friends, but I am always fascinated with how his whole demeanor changes the minute we are alone. He becomes vulnerable. His focus is solely on communicating the exact way he feels, even if he has to explain it in many ways, for hours on end. We would spend hours just talking about our past experiences with love, family, and friends. Oddly enough he always knew what to say to make any situation I faced that much clearer. I never thought he would be able to do that.
Time and time again he surprised me with the depth of his personality.
I think that is what I love most about him. I can't categorize his behavior, because he can act silly at one moment, and then fall into a deep conversation about the inner workings of Anna Karenina. Who knew that Dave had read Tolstoy?
And he is always ready to learn more about me. He knows so much about my life just because he took the time to ask. Even the small random facts like how I love drinking hot chocolate, but only if it has three marshmallows in it. Eric didn't even take the time to learn stuff like that.
Dave was the one I ran to. I cried on his shoulder, and took comfort in his arms. Whenever I was sad, he was right there. He always had his phone on, and answered it many times at odd hours... just for me.
Which is why I am completely stuck. Definitely between a rock and a hard place.
As much as I think I am feeling for him... do I really want to start dating my ex's best friend?