This is the end...of the beginning...of the end...

So I'm entering finals week. And I'm nervous.

Nervous that this is the end of the easy part. Next year will be crucial and difficult... and the most influential year in terms of my career life.

...Will I pass the GRE?
...Will I get into grad school?

And yet that is not even what currently worries me. As of right now I am lost as a person.

It makes me feel like I did when I was little, caught in the war between my mother and father.
Misplaced within the pages of that story, left to my own devices for years.
I was seven, and naive. Now I'm nineteen, and resentful.

I lost so many years of my life trying to justify my family's actions. Claiming they had best of intentions, and the greatest of hopes. I lied. A lot. To myself and the rest of the world.

We all portrayed the perfect American family. We were envied.
If only they knew.

I lived in a dark world. Strewn with anger and pain.
My father was not perfect, not even close.
He was rarely home at a decent hour.
When he did come home, he was a monster.

He beat my mother every day.
Bruises on top of bruises, covered with makeup.
Tears welled up in her eyes, but she couldn't speak her pain.
She knows that is not her place, not in this family.
Silence is her initial comfort, and eventually her greatest enemy.
She can not hide this secret for long.
We all know.

He is not the great person they claimed he is.
And for so long I thought he was.

And then the worst day came.

Mark, Josh,and myself, were playing in my room. Krista was at college.
Mom had been working on dinner for 2 hours. An extravagant meal, to say the least.
Dad came home. Something was wrong.

The three of us sat by the stairs, gripping on the railings as we listened intently.

Dad says he's not hungry, he has a lot of work to do.
Mom tries to ask why, and asks him if it is because of her.
...Josh and I did not know who her was...
Dad drops his briefcase, and says he has heard enough for the evening.
Mom starts to cry. She falls to the ground.
Mark goes downstairs to comfort her.
He then proceeds to say "We don't need you anyway, go hide in your office. Oh yeah, and maybe try hiding your cheating better."

Dad was walking toward his office when Mark said this. He stopped, and then flew into a rage.
I had never actually seen my father get that angry before. The look on his face was piercing.

He screamed at Mark to go away, and then pushed him toward the stairs.
He continued to scream at my mom. And then he slapped her.
He said she was not good enough anymore. He had found someone better.
He then said he was leaving. For good.

I ran down the stairs as fast as I could and grabbed my dad's arm.
I begged him, "Don't leave daddy, I love you!"
I looked in his eyes, and realized he would never love me like I loved him. Unconditionally.
He pushed me away and started walking toward the door.
And as he got into his car and drove away, I stood by the door.
I stood there for hours. Hoping he would come back.
And he never did.

He simply created a new family. New wife, new children.
And my mother left her broken heart on the kitchen floor.
She never did pick it up and try to fix it.
I'm sure it is still there, bleeding from the years of pain.
And he doesn't care.

And I now understand how cruel people can be. Thanks dad, you taught me something.

I just need to find myself. And stop trying to be perfect. That's so overrated.

Du bist mein Schatz...

I love how unbelievably adorable my grandparents are. They are simply the cutest old couple I know, and make me believe that true love is possible.

All their cute little terms of endearment for each other, all the subtle pda moments they share... My grandpa, or as I call him, Opa, is such a gentleman. And my grandma, Oma, is the epitome of sweet old lady. Not to mention she is the greatest liberal I have ever come across. The most open-minded, caring individual - all wrapped up in a cashmir sweater and pearls. Still classy even in the later years of their lives.

They help me realize how great love can truly be.

"You are my treasure..." is what my Opa tells my Oma every day when they wake up.
Without fail. And then she replies with something witty and nice like
"Du hast mein Herz gestohlen, und wenn es schlägt, schlägt es für du..."
...meaning "You have stolen my heart, and when it beats, it beats for you..."

And you know what? That is exactly what I want in a relationship. Someone who will stick by me until I'm really old, and love me the same way he did when he first started loving me.

In other news.. I really wanna be done with school. It is simply getting old to me. I just want to start my career already. Be successful, and make great strides in the field of psychology. The stress of it all is starting to affect me. And that sucks.

I want to buy my own house. And I want to spend a ridiculous amount of time decorating it.

My life is not moving at a fast enough pace for me. It is irritating me.


Hopefully soon I will find what I am looking for.

♥

He said, she said...

I wish I could say we could talk to each other without screaming. The emotions are just too strong for that.

He'll always have the ability to make me feel an inch tall. He knows all the words that just cut through my skin, and tear my heart out. I believe he subscribes to the idea of misery loving company. He'd rather I be just as miserable as he is inside... merely so he doesn't feel so alone.

God give me the strength to forgive him for this.


...and that was the low of the day.

The great part was finding out that the boy likes me. Girl likes boy, and now boy likes girl too.

hmm... I didn't think that would happen.

And now my mind is a blank. Wow.

More to come later. ♥

The slippers always seem to fit...

Newsflash: Dancing is now my number one priority.

Okay... it's not so much a newsflash, but just a by-the-way type thing.


Dancing is the one thing that will never change for me. The poses and movements are always at my fingertips. Arabesque, Demi-plié, Fouetté rond de jambe.

It is all so familiar. And comforting. I am simply me when I am dancing. Stripped of all my insecurities and judgments.

And it is the most gratifying feeling I could possibly have.
I leave everything on the dance floor. Anger, pain, passion. I throw it all out there. And I never regret doing so. I know I can't be judged for giving all of myself to the moment.

I remember the first time dance really took over my life.
I was seven. I was performing in a ballet recital, and was about to perform a solo. Right before I was to go on, I saw my parents fighting in the hallway. My dad was screaming at my mom; she was crying. And it broke me.

So I went on. And left my heart on the stage.

I promised myself I would always dance with emotion, and let the pain go.
And it helped tremendously.

So now I am presented with these emotions. And I'm frantically running back to dance.

My sanctuary. My salvation.

I'm wishing these blue eyes would change your mind...

To the boy who has successfully stolen my heart over the past 4 years:

I wish you would have spoken the thoughts you kept locked in your mind. Maybe then things would have been different. I know that it was hard, but look how complicated it is now.

You always used to tell me you couldn't say no to my beautiful blue eyes. It was your kryptonite... and you couldn't resist the opportunity to then give me all that I ever wanted.

Too bad that you made up for all the spoiling with one big mistake.
A mistake that will leave me jaded for the rest of my life.
I guess I am glad you were dumb enough to get caught. At least I figured you out.

I'll never let anyone hurt me like that ever again.

You were my first love. A love that was pure. Never resentful, or contentious.
Believe me when I say that you broke my heart forever. You made me despise love.

After our relationship ended I didn't want anything to do with love. Love caused problems where relationships were starting, and changed feelings into arguments. I wanted to leave love for someone else to deal with.

And now I realize that love will forever remain a part of me. Whether or not I like it has no effect on its presence. And I must admit that despite the pain that accompanies it, love will always be welcome. How weird.

I spent so much time wondering why you didn't love me enough not to hurt me. Now I understand why it needed to happen... not so much for me, but for you.

You became too comfortable in our relationship. Nothing you did would warrant a consequence. And this led you to do things other boys would not have done. Especially when they had what you had. You thought I would always be there, no matter what happened. Well, this is where you were wrong.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too, please remember this.

And now...

To the boy that I wish I could have:

I really wanted you to like me. Not just like a cool friend like, but more as a hot, friendly, amazing girl next door attraction. Something that would hopefully lead to some great relationship that would stand the test of time. Yeah... I know that last part is a stretch. A girl can dream, can't she?

You are simply adorable.

And I have this little crush on you. Except more emphasis on crush than on little.

I wish these blue eyes could change the situation. I wish they were your kryptonite.
Maybe then I wouldn't have to love and hate our relationship like I do.

I'm really great with the words... and I know you understand how I feel.
Don't worry, I'll never act on these emotions.
I simply cannot bring myself to attempt saying anything about it.

Maybe you are just my kryptonite. And you render me speechless.

♥

5 loads of laundry later...

It's official. I have a lot of clothes. And probably half of them I don't wear. But I love them nonetheless, and would never part with them.

I'm so excited for spring break. A week away from the stress, and time to just have fun.

I'm one step from the door...

I hate roommates who don't care. They don't care about people, or their feelings. And they definitely don't care whether or not the friendship they had with the other person is diminishing right before their eyes.

She doesn't care. And I'm sick of trying to get her to care.

So I've decided I need to figure out a new plan. A new living arrangement, a new 5-year plan.

I want to surround myself with people who are friends. Not just roommates, acquaintances, or ships passing in the night.

I want to return to the days of bffs, and friends that were like sisters. Moments held in photo books that we carry with us always. Late nights just talking about our lives, and experiences - good and bad. Text messages that translate to a smile, even when we are miles apart from each other.

I've found that recently the number of girls I used to associate those things with is dwindling. And now my roommate has become one of the lost. Which I never expected.

I used to tell her everything. And she did the same.
We would laugh about stupid things, and lay in our beds at night talking across rooms to each other. We took crazy pictures, and framed them for our walls. We fought and laughed at the same time. But now we just fight. And she likes to subscribe to the silent treatment.
How lovely.

For some reason, I feel like I should have expected this. Why, I don't know. It really started to happen when Eric and I ended our relationship. Maybe my isolation caused her to change. Well, whatever it was, I don't like the change. I want one of my best friends back. I need her.

The thing that scares me most is her being aware of it and doing nothing to change it. That would really be the worst case scenario. Because in that case... I can do nothing to fix it.

♥ I hope this is not what is happening.