He said, she said...

I wish I could say we could talk to each other without screaming. The emotions are just too strong for that.

He'll always have the ability to make me feel an inch tall. He knows all the words that just cut through my skin, and tear my heart out. I believe he subscribes to the idea of misery loving company. He'd rather I be just as miserable as he is inside... merely so he doesn't feel so alone.

God give me the strength to forgive him for this.


...and that was the low of the day.

The great part was finding out that the boy likes me. Girl likes boy, and now boy likes girl too.

hmm... I didn't think that would happen.

And now my mind is a blank. Wow.

More to come later. ♥

The slippers always seem to fit...

Newsflash: Dancing is now my number one priority.

Okay... it's not so much a newsflash, but just a by-the-way type thing.


Dancing is the one thing that will never change for me. The poses and movements are always at my fingertips. Arabesque, Demi-plié, Fouetté rond de jambe.

It is all so familiar. And comforting. I am simply me when I am dancing. Stripped of all my insecurities and judgments.

And it is the most gratifying feeling I could possibly have.
I leave everything on the dance floor. Anger, pain, passion. I throw it all out there. And I never regret doing so. I know I can't be judged for giving all of myself to the moment.

I remember the first time dance really took over my life.
I was seven. I was performing in a ballet recital, and was about to perform a solo. Right before I was to go on, I saw my parents fighting in the hallway. My dad was screaming at my mom; she was crying. And it broke me.

So I went on. And left my heart on the stage.

I promised myself I would always dance with emotion, and let the pain go.
And it helped tremendously.

So now I am presented with these emotions. And I'm frantically running back to dance.

My sanctuary. My salvation.

I'm wishing these blue eyes would change your mind...

To the boy who has successfully stolen my heart over the past 4 years:

I wish you would have spoken the thoughts you kept locked in your mind. Maybe then things would have been different. I know that it was hard, but look how complicated it is now.

You always used to tell me you couldn't say no to my beautiful blue eyes. It was your kryptonite... and you couldn't resist the opportunity to then give me all that I ever wanted.

Too bad that you made up for all the spoiling with one big mistake.
A mistake that will leave me jaded for the rest of my life.
I guess I am glad you were dumb enough to get caught. At least I figured you out.

I'll never let anyone hurt me like that ever again.

You were my first love. A love that was pure. Never resentful, or contentious.
Believe me when I say that you broke my heart forever. You made me despise love.

After our relationship ended I didn't want anything to do with love. Love caused problems where relationships were starting, and changed feelings into arguments. I wanted to leave love for someone else to deal with.

And now I realize that love will forever remain a part of me. Whether or not I like it has no effect on its presence. And I must admit that despite the pain that accompanies it, love will always be welcome. How weird.

I spent so much time wondering why you didn't love me enough not to hurt me. Now I understand why it needed to happen... not so much for me, but for you.

You became too comfortable in our relationship. Nothing you did would warrant a consequence. And this led you to do things other boys would not have done. Especially when they had what you had. You thought I would always be there, no matter what happened. Well, this is where you were wrong.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too, please remember this.

And now...

To the boy that I wish I could have:

I really wanted you to like me. Not just like a cool friend like, but more as a hot, friendly, amazing girl next door attraction. Something that would hopefully lead to some great relationship that would stand the test of time. Yeah... I know that last part is a stretch. A girl can dream, can't she?

You are simply adorable.

And I have this little crush on you. Except more emphasis on crush than on little.

I wish these blue eyes could change the situation. I wish they were your kryptonite.
Maybe then I wouldn't have to love and hate our relationship like I do.

I'm really great with the words... and I know you understand how I feel.
Don't worry, I'll never act on these emotions.
I simply cannot bring myself to attempt saying anything about it.

Maybe you are just my kryptonite. And you render me speechless.

♥